When I look back, I know that I have always believed that there is a God. In my heart I have always cried out for God to help me in various testing and difficult situations. I have always had an awareness that there is more to all existence than just breathing and seeking ‘good times’, where only fleshly desires are satisfied. God has always been the backdrop of my life, even if I haven’t given to God the love, honour and respect that such an amazing, compassionate and loving Father actually deserves.

For a number of years it was ok for me to inwardly believe in God and believe that I loved God- but outwardly, in my behaviour and in my words… to exhibit the opposite of this.

When I think of all the things that I have done which will have offended God, it is too much to bear. The selfish hedonism, the devouring materialism, the prideful ambition, the ugly vanity, the absolute carelessness, the destruction of innocence. Just writing these words and knowing what lies behind them is a deserved torture.

Just yesterday I read something that Pope Benedict wrote on his first Good Friday meditations on the Passion of Christ. He said that:

‘We have lost our sense of sin! Today a slick campaign of propaganda is spreading an inane apologia of evil, a senseless cult of Satan, a mindless desire for transgression, a dishonest and frivolous freedom, exalting impulsiveness, immorality and selfishness as if they were new heights of sophistication’

I read this several times thinking about each word and for me, I knew he spoke the truth. He is saying these things because he knows how so many souls are in danger, and they don’t even realise it.

I had lost my sense of sin. How easy it is to do in this world! I believe that I have been encouraged to do so and I have not been strong enough to realise what is happening. As I read his words, I knew that I had believed that I could do anything that I wanted-I believed that this was some form of maturity…freedom to do what I want was maturity. Oh, but what a slave I was to frivolous, careless and ultimately destructive hedonism. How at times I have felt the compelling rush of an impulsive desire and succumbed, thus taking yet another step along a deceptively malignant and odorous path, disguised as a ‘good time’.

I had lost my sense of sin, my understanding of what is right and wrong was perverted, and maybe I didn’t even care that it was.

How this period of Lent is such a great time to reflect? I have been thinking about the day when God called me and marked me out for something greater.

The day of my baptism.

The day when heaven gathered to witness my sinful and blackened soul being washed clean, when I asked to come home to my Fathers house, when I was told that a place has been prepared for me in heaven and will be mine if only I can make it unscathed through the endless temptations on earth, the day when the Holy Spirit of God began to run through every sinew of my being.

Those cleansing and purifying waters of baptism and that holy oil tracing the sign of the saving cross on my flesh and in my soul…mean so much to a sinner like me.

But Lent reminds me that baptism is not something that happened once, it is a journey that can take a life time.

So, gladly during this period of preparation for my eternity, I consider again how easy it is to turn my face away from God, attracted by some glistening worldly falsity, how easy it is to blur my understanding of what is good and of what is sinful. I consider those things which prevent me from seeing and seeking the truth of God. I choose to forgo those things, to purify my soul again, to seek goodness and wholeness before God.

I set my sights on heaven and think carefully about the everyday steps that I will take to get there.

I remember that I have been called to seek goodness and purity above all else, as I have been marked with the sign of the cross. Have you…were you once called to the path of goodness and purity?

My two children have just gone back to school after their February half term break. We had a very full and fun filled week, celebrating the seventieth birthday of my Father in Law, and indeed my own birthday in the middle of the week. Somehow we managed to go to the cinema twice, donning our 3D glasses as we did so. The sight of my four year old in them really makes me smile, the glasses are just slightly too big for his little face! Anyway we had a thrilling adventure on the Mysterious Island and another intergalactic escapade courtesy of Star Wars!

I was endlessly and gladly attending to my little ones. Very little time was spent thinking about myself. I know that the time I spend with them now, listening to them, talking to them, caring for them is time well spent, as it will shape their future and have consequences that may reach far into eternity.

My mind is only just settling back into adult mode and as soon as my two were dropped off at their educational institutions, I knew that I needed to get back to this blog. I had planned to write something yesterday but my computer seemed to take an age to install some updates thus preventing any literary activity…and then it was time to pick up my youngest from pre-school.

But as it turns out, that is all well, because at daily Mass today I was reminded of what I need to write. I have realised, since I started to write this blog in September of last year, that there are certain ideas that I keep coming back to. This worried me for a while but now I feel that for the time being it is important for me to write about the merits of humility and also of how we should endlessly consider the eternal consequences of our time on earth.

I almost couldn’t believe it today at Mass, as the readings were said. It was as if all of my most favourite and poignant teachings had been combined into one service, the ones that ricochet around my soul on a daily basis, and I knew then that I had to write about them. Maybe what I write today might encourage someone to think about their eternity and of what they want it to be like…

This realisation has been made even more significant, as yesterday I received some very shocking news that someone I had worked with a few years ago had suddenly and unexpectedly died. It brought home to me again the absolute need to be ready for eternity. I hope and pray very much, that my ex colleague was ready for his future in eternity.

So, today at mass in the first reading I was asked,

‘Do you not know that to be a lover of the world means enmity with God?’.

Wow! Haven’t I spent most of my life feeling this to be true? Haven’t I realised that so much of this world…namely the deceptive materialism, the struggle for worldly acknowledgement serves only to detract from God. The reading went on,

‘Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will exalt you.’

Wow! Haven’t I come to realise that it is through a humble heart that one truly comes to know the ways of God? Haven’t I felt the Love and power of God flooding into my heart when I allowed my self-imposed barriers of pride,self love and vanity to come down?

And then in the Gospel reading Jesus tells his disciples that the Son of Man will be killed, only to rise again after three days. The story tells us that his friends then started to argue amongst themselves over this, quarrelling over who would be the best person to continue the work of Jesus. They were being led by pride and vanity. But Jesus told them, in another of my most favourite passages that,

‘If anyone wishes to be first, he shall be the last of all and the servant of all’.

Jesus took a child into his arms and told his disciples that a child signified so much of what constitutes true discipleship. Wow! Haven’t I told anyone who has asked, that for me, faith is like being a little child before God the Father? Looking heavenwards with wide, open and trusting eyes awaiting His instruction. Haven’t I also irritated my husband on many, many occasions…usually when some flash,sleek, black executive car risks everyone’s lives by speedily overtaking our slow, little, old and often muddy transportation on some dangerous road… by suggesting that he who is now first in this world will be last in the next!? Slow down, I cry to the rear lights of the impressive car, where are you really heading?! Will your impressive car really take you there?

So then this half term week, one spent humbly attending to my family, to the souls of my children… has taught me much. In my daily work and through my children, it has reminded me of how to be a joyful and a humble servant. It has reminded me of how quickly this life on earth will pass, how in one moment it can be gone and indeed will be gone…it is only a matter of time. It has taught me again that I need to be ready for my eternity, as I will never know when my time might come. It has taught me of the need to be humble in the midst of this proud and noisy world, because a humble heart is a silent and still one. And it is often in stillness and in silence that we can truly hear what is of most importance…that is, the voice of God who will, if we let Him… lead us to an eternity in Paradise.

We, along with much of Europe, have had snow.

Those in charge of gritting the roads have done a good job this year and the roads have seemed to be more passable. We live on a farm in England and I am very lucky to see fields and open spaces in all directions, so when it snows it is fantastic for my two young boys, aged four and six, who are free to have loud and wild adventures in the snow. And it is never anything but loud and wild!

The other day they wanted to go out in it as soon as they had woken up, at about six thirty. The fact that they were wearing pyjamas didn’t dampen their enthusiasm in any way! That was an early start, getting them all togged up to go out, as the sun was still rising. They burst out of the house in their hats, gloves, coats and boots and immediately made snow angels!

They were outside for hours. We made a snowman which lasted for ten minutes, before they delighted in knocking it down (my boys like construction and DESTRUCTION!) and then we attempted to make an igloo. It’s still there, albeit slightly misshapen and soggy.

We all had lots and lots of snowy fun.

But after the laughter I was drawn to the expanse of field behind our house. It was covered in snow and the path around it had not been touched by any human feet, only those of rabbits and foxes. I felt a deep desire to walk around the field. Snow seems so quiet, if you know what I mean and after the snowballs, snowmen and icy construction work I wanted some.

So, followed by our elderly black Labrador I started to walk around the field. The boys laughter and commotion gradually became more and more distant and I really felt like I was in a new world of white purity. As I looked closely I saw that the snow glistened, as if it was suffused with some precious diamond. The branches of the tall oak trees were adorned in this, and looked as beautiful as they do when in full leaf. The air felt clean and vivifying and I breathed it in deeply. The blue of the sky seemed much more vibrant and expansive.

Then it dawned on me that I was the first human being, ever, to tread on this snowy carpet that lay before me. These billions of perfect and unique snow crystals, which had fallen so softly from the heavens were totally untainted by anything. I wanted to tread gently, in full awe of its beauty and of the splendour it was showing to me.

I was making my way along a pure path.

I looked behind at my footprints in the snow and I looked ahead, aware of my journey.

It felt like a metaphor for the path that I have chosen in this life-the way of God is the pure one, glistening with simple beauty, asking me to be humble and good. It is the quiet and still one… but if you look closely it has myriad upon myriad of precious jewels and mysteries, too many for the eye to behold. Yet these jewels are those that are to be held in the heart as one travels through life. As snow melts and disappears… the treasures of God reside in the heart, and the memory of them sustains forever.

I will always think of the path that I have chosen in this life, as I imprint upon the pure and undefiled snow. I want my life to be like the snow…I want my steps upon it to be quiet, still, humble… but suffused with the most remarkable magnificence, the glory of God.

I yearn for Paradise, I hope for Paradise, I imagine Paradise.

People often ask me why I believe in God. It saddens me when they say that they wish they too had faith. I think to myself…what is stopping you? Could you be the one who is stopping the Holy Spirit from transforming your own life?

I want to say- just ask from your heart and it will be given to you, God is with you now, just waiting for you to look in His direction and to return back to all that is good…to Paradise.

When I am asked about my faith, I now speak honestly and openly. Faith is so amazing. It gives you something that this world, which is full of dead ends, can never supply.

People push me further to explain the place that it plays in my life.

It gives me deep and abiding peace, I say. It makes me want to do good, be good. It makes me search for the most loving response, which is often not the easiest one, by worldly standards. It restores the right order and balance to my life, which would otherwise be upset, if I allowed myself to be beholden to this world. It provides me with the deepest sense of purpose. It allows me to speak to God with an open heart and to hear his answers to me. It enables me to see the Divine in the so called mundane.

But mostly it suffuses and invigorates me with the most magnificent sense of being loved and cared for by the Ultimate Creator. This cannot be underestimated, it changes you in ways that never seemed possible when you lived as if you were just an insignificant and accidental part of this fluke of creation.

As if the living impact of these reasons were not enough, I want to exclaim…Paradise! Faith makes me want to create Paradise in my heart and soul, then in my family, then in my little world…but it also makes me want to belong to it for eternity.

Everyday I am aware of my eternity. Again, never underestimate the way that this makes you feel. This world, I want to tell my enquirers is just one part of our existence. Don’t you feel this to be true deep, deep down? Do you really believe that all of this…the deep feelings and mysteries of your heart, the unselfish love you feel, the innocent lives and smiles of your children…are actually all ultimately futile and meaningless?

God’s grace has always allowed me to see beyond what is immediately visible, I see the hand of God all around me.

There is a future beyond what we can imagine. How hard it is for us to envision, when different and enticing worlds are being created all of the time…we have cyber world, the world of fashion, the world of music, the world of art, the world of the consumer, the world of the social network and countless others. Why would we want another? These myriad of created worlds can contain and constrain our vision, they can distract us from looking deeper into reality. They can prevent us from contemplating our true selves…our soul.

They often don’t give us time to be silent and still… and thus we cannot hear, let alone unite with, the true heartbeat that sustains us all.

Paradise then, the hope of an eternal paradise informs my faith…I want to tell my enquirers. Pure, lasting happiness and joy. Glorious Love forever. Being in the presence of God after this seemingly long and difficult exile on earth. No more suffering, sadness, desperation, anger, confusion…in Paradise these things have no place.

It is waiting…I am waiting. I must be ready and worthy of such an eternal reward.