She weighed only as much as a small bag of groceries when she was born. Her flesh was so delicate, soft and fragile. Her father could just about hold her in one of his big hands.
Her whole body, which would soon contain so much knowledge and so many ideas, and which would soon be so full of her ‘self’, was now too heavy for her to lift. She would learn later that she would never be strong enough to carry herself, she would always need the help of someone greater.
In her fleshly vulnerability she was so easy to destroy… yet she had the greatest potential to grow and to be strong.
Her fingers grasped tightly around anything which was put into her palm and one would find it hard to gently unbind her tiny fingers from their firm grasp.
Her shining eyes with their long lashes searched for something amidst the brightness and noise, something which would give her peace and happiness… and they soon rested on her parents who looked back at her so lovingly.
She got tired so quickly of the world around her with its bright lights and endless noise and she would soon be still, warm and quiet in her mothers arms- her infant face so peaceful and sweet.
Soon she would smile at anyone, bringing them joy in her innocence and she would gurgle contentedly as she played with her tiny toes.
Her life was so simple and this showed in her face and in her eyes, she was so quick to feel joy, sleeping easily with no hint of anxiety to furrow her brow.
Soon her legs grew strong and she liked to play outside, chattering away with her friends as they invented little games to play, involving daisies from the lawn or the shade of a big tree.
And still she slept soundly at night. She almost had a smile on her face as she slept, or so her parents thought.
Still onwards, time passes and she is a child no more-she is a young woman in the world…but finding it hard.
The bright lights have become quite blinding and although she does not realise it yet, she is in fact finding it hard to see clearly.
Chasing after things which seem so desirable and necessary. Forgetting about simplicity and seeing only the attractions of wealth. She finds it hard to rest and sleep is not peaceful. It carries with it the worries of the day, the fear of failures, the threat of loneliness and the anxiety of the approaching dawn.
She seeks to avoid these things as she wakes, pushing herself into the world, leaving behind what she knows she should be, that which the world rejects as weak and pitiful.
She is like a leaf caught in the wind, blown this way and then that. She suffers so much damage, but the wind is too strong, too uncompromising for her to realise its effect. It doesn’t give her a chance to reflect on what is happening to her. She is losing sight of herself, she cannot see where she really begins or where she ends. Always at the mercy of the powerful forces in the world-striving for wealth and material possessions, looking for recognition and acclaim in order to feed her greedy ego, driven only by pride and vanity.
She has done so many terrible things in her futile quest, but still she doesn’t feel the pain of them in her soul. She carries on, trusting what the world tells her…striving to belong to it. She still cannot see how ultimately futile are her endeavours.
She does everything without love in her heart. She loves only her self.
She has immersed her self in so much darkness. Darkness that had the appearance of light, just a minute ago… and she begins to wonder as to what she has become.
How did the world steal her away…?
She wants to be pure again.
She looks beyond and sees God, who was always there waiting for her. So strong, so simple and so good.
She falls to her knees at the sight of His immense Love. He gave her the potential to be so pure and so good but her heart breaks at how she has violated herself…the suffering she has caused, the love she failed to give. She cannot stop this sorrow. It is an agony for her.
She begins to understand how she was called to be holy, how her soul comes from God, the Creator. She sees how far she has travelled away from Him. She calls out to Him with desperate urgency, pleading for Him to save her from herself.
Grace floods her entire being. She can feel it everyday. She realises how she had not been careful, how she had allowed herself to be deceived and how she had performed countless acts of anger, hatred and destruction.
She could see how she had fallen short of whom she was created to be- a being of love, kindness, compassion and humility.
She sees Jesus properly for the first time. His Love for her brings her heart back to life. She sees the majesty of the Cross. She understands the suffering that he endured for her and it is clear to see how she, through her own sin, drove in the nails on His hands and His feet.
She wants Him to know the real depth of her repentance, she needs to hear his words of forgiveness. In his Love and Mercy He gives her this.
But then she sins again…
Oh God, when it is time for me to stand in front of the doors of heaven, I know that I will hang my head in shame. You gave me so much and I still failed so many times. In the heat of the moment, in the span of a heartbeat the sin was so easy to commit, but I will feel its spiritual consequences for eternity within my soul.
My soul has already felt the despair and desolation of separation from you, every time I have sinned…I cannot bear for this to be my eternity. Help me, Jesus to be strong when I feel seduced by the deceiver.
I am so weak but… I can be forgiven. I can change… but only with you guiding me. Never leave my side, Lord.
I want to be born again in You and I want my soul to be as trusting as it was when it first took on the clothing of flesh. I want my eyes to search only for you, Lord and for my grasp to rest only in your hands.
Help me to trust in your Love and in your Merciful forgiveness and please allow me to be with you forever.