My two children have just gone back to school after their February half term break. We had a very full and fun filled week, celebrating the seventieth birthday of my Father in Law, and indeed my own birthday in the middle of the week. Somehow we managed to go to the cinema twice, donning our 3D glasses as we did so. The sight of my four year old in them really makes me smile, the glasses are just slightly too big for his little face! Anyway we had a thrilling adventure on the Mysterious Island and another intergalactic escapade courtesy of Star Wars!

I was endlessly and gladly attending to my little ones. Very little time was spent thinking about myself. I know that the time I spend with them now, listening to them, talking to them, caring for them is time well spent, as it will shape their future and have consequences that may reach far into eternity.

My mind is only just settling back into adult mode and as soon as my two were dropped off at their educational institutions, I knew that I needed to get back to this blog. I had planned to write something yesterday but my computer seemed to take an age to install some updates thus preventing any literary activity…and then it was time to pick up my youngest from pre-school.

But as it turns out, that is all well, because at daily Mass today I was reminded of what I need to write. I have realised, since I started to write this blog in September of last year, that there are certain ideas that I keep coming back to. This worried me for a while but now I feel that for the time being it is important for me to write about the merits of humility and also of how we should endlessly consider the eternal consequences of our time on earth.

I almost couldn’t believe it today at Mass, as the readings were said. It was as if all of my most favourite and poignant teachings had been combined into one service, the ones that ricochet around my soul on a daily basis, and I knew then that I had to write about them. Maybe what I write today might encourage someone to think about their eternity and of what they want it to be like…

This realisation has been made even more significant, as yesterday I received some very shocking news that someone I had worked with a few years ago had suddenly and unexpectedly died. It brought home to me again the absolute need to be ready for eternity. I hope and pray very much, that my ex colleague was ready for his future in eternity.

So, today at mass in the first reading I was asked,

‘Do you not know that to be a lover of the world means enmity with God?’.

Wow! Haven’t I spent most of my life feeling this to be true? Haven’t I realised that so much of this world…namely the deceptive materialism, the struggle for worldly acknowledgement serves only to detract from God. The reading went on,

‘Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will exalt you.’

Wow! Haven’t I come to realise that it is through a humble heart that one truly comes to know the ways of God? Haven’t I felt the Love and power of God flooding into my heart when I allowed my self-imposed barriers of pride,self love and vanity to come down?

And then in the Gospel reading Jesus tells his disciples that the Son of Man will be killed, only to rise again after three days. The story tells us that his friends then started to argue amongst themselves over this, quarrelling over who would be the best person to continue the work of Jesus. They were being led by pride and vanity. But Jesus told them, in another of my most favourite passages that,

‘If anyone wishes to be first, he shall be the last of all and the servant of all’.

Jesus took a child into his arms and told his disciples that a child signified so much of what constitutes true discipleship. Wow! Haven’t I told anyone who has asked, that for me, faith is like being a little child before God the Father? Looking heavenwards with wide, open and trusting eyes awaiting His instruction. Haven’t I also irritated my husband on many, many occasions…usually when some flash,sleek, black executive car risks everyone’s lives by speedily overtaking our slow, little, old and often muddy transportation on some dangerous road… by suggesting that he who is now first in this world will be last in the next!? Slow down, I cry to the rear lights of the impressive car, where are you really heading?! Will your impressive car really take you there?

So then this half term week, one spent humbly attending to my family, to the souls of my children… has taught me much. In my daily work and through my children, it has reminded me of how to be a joyful and a humble servant. It has reminded me of how quickly this life on earth will pass, how in one moment it can be gone and indeed will be gone…it is only a matter of time. It has taught me again that I need to be ready for my eternity, as I will never know when my time might come. It has taught me of the need to be humble in the midst of this proud and noisy world, because a humble heart is a silent and still one. And it is often in stillness and in silence that we can truly hear what is of most importance…that is, the voice of God who will, if we let Him… lead us to an eternity in Paradise.

We, along with much of Europe, have had snow.

Those in charge of gritting the roads have done a good job this year and the roads have seemed to be more passable. We live on a farm in England and I am very lucky to see fields and open spaces in all directions, so when it snows it is fantastic for my two young boys, aged four and six, who are free to have loud and wild adventures in the snow. And it is never anything but loud and wild!

The other day they wanted to go out in it as soon as they had woken up, at about six thirty. The fact that they were wearing pyjamas didn’t dampen their enthusiasm in any way! That was an early start, getting them all togged up to go out, as the sun was still rising. They burst out of the house in their hats, gloves, coats and boots and immediately made snow angels!

They were outside for hours. We made a snowman which lasted for ten minutes, before they delighted in knocking it down (my boys like construction and DESTRUCTION!) and then we attempted to make an igloo. It’s still there, albeit slightly misshapen and soggy.

We all had lots and lots of snowy fun.

But after the laughter I was drawn to the expanse of field behind our house. It was covered in snow and the path around it had not been touched by any human feet, only those of rabbits and foxes. I felt a deep desire to walk around the field. Snow seems so quiet, if you know what I mean and after the snowballs, snowmen and icy construction work I wanted some.

So, followed by our elderly black Labrador I started to walk around the field. The boys laughter and commotion gradually became more and more distant and I really felt like I was in a new world of white purity. As I looked closely I saw that the snow glistened, as if it was suffused with some precious diamond. The branches of the tall oak trees were adorned in this, and looked as beautiful as they do when in full leaf. The air felt clean and vivifying and I breathed it in deeply. The blue of the sky seemed much more vibrant and expansive.

Then it dawned on me that I was the first human being, ever, to tread on this snowy carpet that lay before me. These billions of perfect and unique snow crystals, which had fallen so softly from the heavens were totally untainted by anything. I wanted to tread gently, in full awe of its beauty and of the splendour it was showing to me.

I was making my way along a pure path.

I looked behind at my footprints in the snow and I looked ahead, aware of my journey.

It felt like a metaphor for the path that I have chosen in this life-the way of God is the pure one, glistening with simple beauty, asking me to be humble and good. It is the quiet and still one… but if you look closely it has myriad upon myriad of precious jewels and mysteries, too many for the eye to behold. Yet these jewels are those that are to be held in the heart as one travels through life. As snow melts and disappears… the treasures of God reside in the heart, and the memory of them sustains forever.

I will always think of the path that I have chosen in this life, as I imprint upon the pure and undefiled snow. I want my life to be like the snow…I want my steps upon it to be quiet, still, humble… but suffused with the most remarkable magnificence, the glory of God.

I yearn for Paradise, I hope for Paradise, I imagine Paradise.

People often ask me why I believe in God. It saddens me when they say that they wish they too had faith. I think to myself…what is stopping you? Could you be the one who is stopping the Holy Spirit from transforming your own life?

I want to say- just ask from your heart and it will be given to you, God is with you now, just waiting for you to look in His direction and to return back to all that is good…to Paradise.

When I am asked about my faith, I now speak honestly and openly. Faith is so amazing. It gives you something that this world, which is full of dead ends, can never supply.

People push me further to explain the place that it plays in my life.

It gives me deep and abiding peace, I say. It makes me want to do good, be good. It makes me search for the most loving response, which is often not the easiest one, by worldly standards. It restores the right order and balance to my life, which would otherwise be upset, if I allowed myself to be beholden to this world. It provides me with the deepest sense of purpose. It allows me to speak to God with an open heart and to hear his answers to me. It enables me to see the Divine in the so called mundane.

But mostly it suffuses and invigorates me with the most magnificent sense of being loved and cared for by the Ultimate Creator. This cannot be underestimated, it changes you in ways that never seemed possible when you lived as if you were just an insignificant and accidental part of this fluke of creation.

As if the living impact of these reasons were not enough, I want to exclaim…Paradise! Faith makes me want to create Paradise in my heart and soul, then in my family, then in my little world…but it also makes me want to belong to it for eternity.

Everyday I am aware of my eternity. Again, never underestimate the way that this makes you feel. This world, I want to tell my enquirers is just one part of our existence. Don’t you feel this to be true deep, deep down? Do you really believe that all of this…the deep feelings and mysteries of your heart, the unselfish love you feel, the innocent lives and smiles of your children…are actually all ultimately futile and meaningless?

God’s grace has always allowed me to see beyond what is immediately visible, I see the hand of God all around me.

There is a future beyond what we can imagine. How hard it is for us to envision, when different and enticing worlds are being created all of the time…we have cyber world, the world of fashion, the world of music, the world of art, the world of the consumer, the world of the social network and countless others. Why would we want another? These myriad of created worlds can contain and constrain our vision, they can distract us from looking deeper into reality. They can prevent us from contemplating our true selves…our soul.

They often don’t give us time to be silent and still… and thus we cannot hear, let alone unite with, the true heartbeat that sustains us all.

Paradise then, the hope of an eternal paradise informs my faith…I want to tell my enquirers. Pure, lasting happiness and joy. Glorious Love forever. Being in the presence of God after this seemingly long and difficult exile on earth. No more suffering, sadness, desperation, anger, confusion…in Paradise these things have no place.

It is waiting…I am waiting. I must be ready and worthy of such an eternal reward.

Up until relatively recently, I worked in a secular school and was required to teach all of the world religions to the students in my care. I remember once delivering a lesson on Islamic prayer and witnessing the sheer horror on my pupils faces when they saw grown men and women prostrating themselves in full physical and spiritual submission to Allah.

I asked the students to whom or what they might prostrate before- maybe their parents, their favourite band member, sportsperson or actor? I asked them if anyone could perform this physical prostration for the benefit of the class, so that they could identify how it made them feel- did they feel how they felt when they were dressed up to go out, for example?

We explored this idea and contemplated a word that they had never identified or considered before- the word ‘humble’.

The vast majority of students said that they would not bow down before anyone or anything. To them, nothing was worthy of such a humiliating and embarrassing pose. It was unnecessary, as far as they could see. They believed that there was nothing worthy of such devotion or humble submission in their own lives.

So many of those children whom I taught had been encouraged from every angle, to adore all that comes from man. They had been told to put their trust in this-that man has the answers to all the questions that are worth asking and those questions that man cannot answer are not worth asking.

They had been told to trust only that which can be seen or heard, neglecting the powerful vision of the heart and the soul.

So, for them it was difficult to understand why anyone should remove their shoes, cover their head and lie flat on the floor, nose to the ground…in submission to something that they could not see.

It is hard when you are young, to not believe that you are the centre of everything, your self awareness is strong at that age… but at the same time I believe that children are not being made aware of the value of two important ideas- those of simplicity and humility.

The forces of the world are so strong, to go against them means poverty in some form- so we encourage our children to strive for the world, to fit into it, to be like it. We know that they will suffer if we encourage them otherwise. We fear that people will think them weak minded fools who dream of a world that doesn’t exist.

This is sometimes a dilemma for me. Just the other day I heard another mum telling me that she encourages her child to fight back if anyone upsets him. I can understand what she is saying, but something within me didn’t rejoice in her words. I could envision the playground erupting in little fights as everyone defended their own honour, pride and sense of self righteousness-when would it stop?

It reminded me of a story from Buddhism that I used to tell my students. The Buddha said that someone bought a present for another person, but when he went to give the gift to them they refused to receive it. The Buddha asked- to whom does the gift belong, the person who bought it or the person who refused to receive it? He explained that this is like the anger and aggression given to us by another, if we refuse to receive it, then it stays with the person who was trying to give it to you.

And what of the power of prayer for those who persecute us- how passive this seems…unless we truly understand the real power of speaking to God and of asking him to help us.

The answers may not be the ones that the world accepts or recognises…but God has the benefit of knowing all the transcendent mysteries of eternity and I know that his answers to me reflect life eternal and the place He has made for me within it. He wants me to be worthy of it and I know that, in the context of this world it most probably means sacrifice and carrying my cross.

If I am humble of heart then the voice I strive to hear is not the selfish, fearful pride of my own ego or will, but that of the Creator who asks me to show Love.

I suppose that I am an idealistic dreamer but I do know that the riches given by God are incomparable to the riches given by the world. I have felt the peace and love which comes from God. It frees you from this world and the skies open up to show you eternity…

I know also that true blissful knowledge of God comes from a heart which is humble and a tongue which speaks simply of the truth. A heart which has given its will over to Gods.

It is only a humble heart which can realise that it has been created by something much, much greater. It is only a humble heart that can accept that all truth comes from God. It is only a humble heart that can question no more. It is only a humble heart that speaks and acts simply and truthfully, devoid of boast or pride. It is only a humble heart that can accept any sacrifice which it is called to make. It is only a humble heart that can accept the truth of the Bible. It is only a humble heart which makes all good things possible.

A humble heart is a strong one, as it has found the true source and destiny of its being- infinite Love.

For many years I wouldn’t say the Apostles Creed. I would go to church and participate only in those parts in which I agreed. I had probably read in some academic publication about the dubious nature of some Catholic doctrine and had thenceforth decided that I would not agree with it by verbalising it in the creed.

This would not be the only example of the exercising of my will and ‘intelligence’. Even at school I would stand as requested to sing the National Anthem, but my lips would remain stubbornly shut.

How indignant I felt! Why should I? I don’t have to if I don’t want to! I know better!

For quite a long time I existed at the mercy of my will, my ego and my intelligence. I was definitely the centre of my universe! Shelves full of very clever books, certificates attesting to my academic skill, I knew so much but understood so little. Oh, so many questions and discussions to be had, so many ideas to analyse and debate, so many choices in which to believe.

I can choose and I alone will make the choice.

I was thrashing about trying to find the answers yet failing to ask the right questions. My brain full of ideas, assumptions, certainties, so busy thinking… yet failing to realise that truth can often be found in silence.

My heart was closed to so much truth and beauty, because I allowed it to be. My will and intelligence got in the way.

My will and intelligence, that had been shaped and influenced by this world, a world where the ego reigns supreme, a world where man believes himself to be the master…but who, in reality is just a slave to his own selfish and misguided desires.

Oh dear, oh dear! What a fool I can be! And how things have changed…

It was like in a moment I realised the brash emptiness of my endeavours. Any self seeking thought I had lost its momentum within seconds and I could only think of God. I could see so clearly how anything from me was finite…yet God, powerful in ways we cannot imagine, was unfathomable in His greatness and Love.

Our true alpha and omega.

It humbled me immediately. My lips closed, my earthly eyes lowered, yet the eyes of my soul were wide open toward heaven, my knees bent low, my thoughts quietened… as I waited for the truth of God to guide me, always.

I had discovered what it felt like to love God, to see clearly how everything comes from Him. Nothing again would be the same. I would seek only to do what pleases Him. I would give Him my entire being. I would see how a life lived without God at the centre misses out on so much…a real connection with the spiritual heart of everything ,a sense of ones eternal destiny, the love that God has for each soul on earth.

But especially the knowledge that you are loved without measure by the Ultimate Creator of everything.

I had given my heart to God and I hoped that whenever I spoke or sought to do anything from that moment on, that I would do so from the heart…and not from the selfish emptiness of my own ego.

I understood how impossible it was to love God if one was in fact only in love with oneself.

There is a song that I just love to listen to. I spend a lot of time in my car transporting both myself and my children to school and nursery, to swimming lessons, to football training, to the shops and to church. I have my favourite CD (‘What wondrous Love’ by Marian Grace) on in the car during these everyday journeys and invariably I will flick through until I get to number 8.

The song is in fact a prayer and the words are:

Let nothing disturb you

Let nothing frighten you

All things are passing

God never changes

Patient endurance obtains all it strives for

With God as your portion, nothing is wanting

Alone God suffices

Alone you are enough

God you are all we need

And with you with me

Consume us alone

You are the King

And though we crowned you with thorns

You crown us with glory

Humbly we thank you

Consumed by Grace

The song always has a tremendous effect on me. I am probably an emotional old fool but I really feel my heart opening up to heaven when I hear it. It resonates so clearly with me and so with great and sweet intensity I am able to feel the love, the power and the majesty of God.

Just yesterday I was listening to this in the car and I remember clearly thinking that this song was absolutely my ultimate favourite.

How strange then that later that day, in the evening I should be browsing through the posts on a forum that I belong to and I felt strangely compelled to read one called ‘My favourite prayer’.

There were the words of my song!

Once again I felt that heaven was speaking to me, showering me with Grace and letting me know that my God had seen the devotion in my heart ascending to heaven at the words of the song!

I felt consumed by Grace, just as it said in the song… and also drawn to investigate further the origins of the words contained within this prayerful song.

I discovered that the words came from Teresa of Avila.

I love to read about the lives of the saints, there is so much to be gained from this and learning about Teresa of Avila has proven to be no exception.

It turns out that she too, in her early life was easy prey for vanity and slipped without hitch into the worldly life, thus ignoring God. She became embroiled in flattery, vanity and gossip.

For many years she was unable to feel prayer in her heart but God gradually gave her the grace to truly pray. Often it was prayer without words, instead she felt the peace of God as awareness of Him overwhelmed her. Such experiences led her to write that contemplative prayer is in fact just spending time alone with God whom we know loves us.

I am still learning and finding out about Teresa of Avila, but it is strange how sometimes the saints come to us in order to help us. I feel that this is what has happened here and I will endeavour to find out more about her. So thank you God, once again you have shown me how I am truly consumed by Grace.

She weighed only as much as a small bag of groceries when she was born. Her flesh was so delicate, soft and fragile. Her father could just about hold her in one of his big hands.

Her whole body, which would soon contain so much knowledge and so many ideas, and which would soon be so full of her ‘self’, was now too heavy for her to lift. She would learn later that she would never be strong enough to carry herself, she would always need the help of someone greater.

In her fleshly vulnerability she was so easy to destroy… yet she had the greatest potential to grow and to be strong.

Her fingers grasped tightly around anything which was put into her palm and one would find it hard to gently unbind her tiny fingers from their firm grasp.

Her shining eyes with their long lashes searched for something amidst the brightness and noise, something which would give her peace and happiness… and they soon rested on her parents who looked back at her so lovingly.

She got tired so quickly of the world around her with its bright lights and endless noise and she would soon be still, warm and quiet in her mothers arms- her infant face so peaceful and sweet.

Soon she would smile at anyone, bringing them joy in her innocence and she would gurgle contentedly as she played with her tiny toes.

Her life was so simple and this showed in her face and in her eyes, she was so quick to feel joy, sleeping easily with no hint of anxiety to furrow her brow.

Soon her legs grew strong and she liked to play outside, chattering away with her friends as they invented little games to play, involving daisies from the lawn or the shade of a big tree.

And still she slept soundly at night. She almost had a smile on her face as she slept, or so her parents thought.

Still onwards, time passes and she is a child no more-she is a young woman in the world…but finding it hard.

The bright lights have become quite blinding and although she does not realise it yet, she is in fact finding it hard to see clearly.

Chasing after things which seem so desirable and necessary. Forgetting about simplicity and seeing only the attractions of wealth. She finds it hard to rest and sleep is not peaceful. It carries with it the worries of the day, the fear of failures, the threat of loneliness and the anxiety of the approaching dawn.

She seeks to avoid these things as she wakes, pushing herself into the world, leaving behind what she knows she should be, that which the world rejects as weak and pitiful.

She is like a leaf caught in the wind, blown this way and then that. She suffers so much damage, but the wind is too strong, too uncompromising for her to realise its effect. It doesn’t give her a chance to reflect on what is happening to her. She is losing sight of herself, she cannot see where she really begins or where she ends. Always at the mercy of the powerful forces in the world-striving for wealth and material possessions, looking for recognition and acclaim in order to feed her greedy ego, driven only by pride and vanity.

She has done so many terrible things in her futile quest, but still she doesn’t feel the pain of them in her soul. She carries on, trusting what the world tells her…striving to belong to it. She still cannot see how ultimately futile are her endeavours.

She does everything without love in her heart. She loves only her self.

She has immersed her self in so much darkness. Darkness that had the appearance of light, just a minute ago… and she begins to wonder as to what she has become.

How did the world steal her away…?

She wants to be pure again.

She looks beyond and sees God, who was always there waiting for her. So strong, so simple and so good.

She falls to her knees at the sight of His immense Love. He gave her the potential to be so pure and so good but her heart breaks at how she has violated herself…the suffering she has caused, the love she failed to give. She cannot stop this sorrow. It is an agony for her.

She begins to understand how she was called to be holy, how her soul comes from God, the Creator. She sees how far she has travelled away from Him. She calls out to Him with desperate urgency, pleading for Him to save her from herself.

Grace floods her entire being. She can feel it everyday. She realises how she had not been careful, how she had allowed herself to be deceived and how she had performed countless acts of anger, hatred and destruction.

She could see how she had fallen short of whom she was created to be- a being of love, kindness, compassion and humility.

She sees Jesus properly for the first time. His Love for her brings her heart back to life. She sees the majesty of the Cross. She understands the suffering that he endured for her and it is clear to see how she, through her own sin, drove in the nails on His hands and His feet.

She wants Him to know the real depth of her repentance, she needs to hear his words of forgiveness. In his Love and Mercy He gives her this.

But then she sins again…

Oh God, when it is time for me to stand in front of the doors of heaven, I know that I will hang my head in shame. You gave me so much and I still failed so many times. In the heat of the moment, in the span of a heartbeat the sin was so easy to commit, but I will feel its spiritual consequences for eternity within my soul.

My soul has already felt the despair and desolation of separation from you, every time I have sinned…I cannot bear for this to be my eternity. Help me, Jesus to be strong when I feel seduced by the deceiver.

I am so weak but… I can be forgiven. I can change… but only with you guiding me. Never leave my side, Lord.

I want to be born again in You and I want my soul to be as trusting as it was when it first took on the clothing of flesh. I want my eyes to search only for you, Lord and for my grasp to rest only in your hands.

Help me to trust in your Love and in your Merciful forgiveness and please allow me to be with you forever.

It is so easy to get caught up in apocalyptic fever.

For two thousand years souls have been yearning for His return.

We have been waiting for Him to reveal the true glory of God which lies behind all things, putting in their rightful place the arrogance, pride and vanities of men. We want to see the heavens open, revealing to us what we knew deep in our hearts…that there is a God who created all things, and who has asked us only to love Him and our neighbour as we love ourselves.

We want to go home…

I have to be honest, I feel this yearning daily, sometimes minute by minute. I often feel a dreadful pain of separation in that I cannot see Jesus or Mary or the choirs of angels surrounding the heavenly throne.

I can feel them and I know they speak to me… but I want to hold their hands, walk with them through paradise, look into the unfathomable kindness of their eyes and feel that my soul has found its eternal rest.

I look around me and see such anger, hatred and ignorance made manifest in countless acts of aggression and violence, both physical and emotional. The earth itself is not silent, it speaks in rumblings and quakes and in fire and water.

Some would say that we are living in quite remarkable times. Indeed one has only to read the messages from the many visionaries and seers to believe that something is afoot.

However my consumption of all these apocalyptic tales has only brought me back to that same feeling. The only one that gives me peace.

I read about warnings and chastisements and the need to be ready…but then I put down the book or switch off the power, I close my eyes and rest my rather worried head on His chest, near to His Sacred Heart. I feel His hand around mine and I ask Him to forgive me and hold me like that forever. I feel His peace flooding through my soul, it is blissful.

I suppose I am saying that I just trust Him to look after me, because I know that I am really just a foolish repentant sinner who understands so little and who makes so many mistakes… but, who earnestly and desperately wants to be good and worthy. I have told Him that I can’t do anything without Him, not even breathe… so I want Him to walk with me everywhere, as I take the kids to school or as I nip around the supermarket. I fail in everything without the light of His goodness to guide me.

My God is full of mercy and I am learning to trust in His merciful Love.

I once felt that heaven spoke to me and gave me a sign…yes me, a sign! I remember my heart speaking to God and asking Him in anguish what would happen. It seemed that evil would destroy us all, eating away at our souls and whisking us all away to hell, before we even realised what had happened. I wanted God to assure me that He was there and would make it all right. I was driving down a country lane near where I live and could see something lying in the road. As I got closer I could see that it was a snake!

I live in England, on a farm- we rarely, if ever see snakes. This is a green and pleasant land and the only wildlife one is most likely to see would be a blackbird, a robin red breast, an earthworm or maybe a poodle!

I couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing, so I got out of my car and cautiously yet curiously walked toward it. As I got closer I realised that my anguished prayer had been answered… as the head of the serpent had been crushed! Evil would be destroyed!

At that moment I knew that whatever might happen in the world… the wars, murders and earthquakes…that the final and absolute triumph would belong to the God of Love! I had to trust in this!

So for this year I am going to trust and rest in my Lord, striving to do as he teaches in the Bible…loving Him and my neighbour, seeking always to be humble, kind and good.

I often like to think about what it must have been like to see Jesus and to talk to him.

What were his eyes like? Were they warm and kind, yet penetrating? How did it feel when those eyes rested on your own? How did it feel to be in His presence? Was he tall or short? What made Him laugh? What was the tone of His voice? Did it speak to your heart in ways that no other voice had ever done?

What did it feel like when He called you by your name?

I can feel my heart swelling now even as I write these ponderings. I can almost feel Him next to me, smiling at me, as I express my desire to be with Him forever, unworthy as I am.

I love to read the stories about Him in the Bible. But then I like to picture the scene in my mind and really feel the intensity of the events from the viewpoints of the people in the story. Was it a hot day? Were children playing nearby? Were there dogs and cats around, lazing in the sun? Were there women around doing chores?

How did it feel when the events were over and Jesus had moved on?

We are told in John that he spat on the ground and made mud, which he then rubbed on a blind man’s eyes. How amazing to witness! The man could see, but the Pharisees didn’t believe him and were greatly angered by the claim that Jesus had healed the man. If I was walking through my town, after doing my shopping and saw a man doing this today, then what would I think!? If the man was blind or deaf or mute or unable to walk… then how would I feel if he then saw, heard, talked or walked?

I suppose that it would be the same today as it was then-reactions of incredulity, suspicion, anger, curiosity, amazement, devotion.

In particular I love the stories of Jesus mixing with prostitutes, tax collectors and other sinners. He shared food with them and spoke with them, thus enraging and confusing many of the religious leaders of the time, who found it hard to understand why he would spend time with such hopeless and unclean sinners.

I can totally understand how the sinful woman wept her tears at His feet, then wiped them with her hair, kissed them with tenderness and then poured perfume on them. Only a heart that has been consumed by the despair of sin, that has shamelessly degraded itself, but yet has felt the merciful forgiveness of God could do such a thing.

The woman had felt what it means to truly repent. She had seen that there was another way. She had understood that Jesus was the way, the truth and the life.

Somehow this passage enables me to understand the mercy of God. God knows that we will fail and sin, time and time again. He knows that we are battling against dark deceptions to which we so easily succumb. Indeed Jesus tells us

‘I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance’.

He knows we will sin but he asks us to beg for forgiveness, to realise how far we have strayed, to feel the pull of His love for us in our heart…to want to be worthy of it.

Jesus loves the sinner…He gives them hope. He tells them that they are not lost nor forgotten and He comes to tenderly call them by their name.

I have a copy of the Bible next to my bed, and sometimes I like to read it.

It’s strange that it is a book which is so familiar to most people around the world, so many of us have heard of it; yet how many of us have actually read it with an open heart?

How many of us trust the truth of the words within it?

Recently I was reading through the Acts of the Apostles. I find these books quite fascinating. Jesus was dead, he had endured His passion and his followers had witnessed His Resurrection-he was no longer with his apostles in a physical way- yet these men continued to preach His word and proclaim Him as the Saviour- often at great detriment to their livelihood.

It leads me to only one conclusion…

And that is, that these men must have glimpsed Paradise. They must have had glimpses of heaven, they must have known a love that changed everything for them, they must have realised the divinity pulsing throughout creation. It gave them incredible courage, conviction and strength of heart. Indeed they were willing to die for Jesus and almost all of them did.

The stories of the deaths of the apostles have been handed down through the generations. We are told that:

• Peter was crucified upside down in Rome AD 64
• James was beheaded in AD 44
• John lived on
• Andrew was crucified upon an X shaped cross
• Philip was crucified in AD 54
• Bartholomew was skinned alive and then beheaded
• Matthew was killed by an axe in AD 60
• Thomas was killed in India in AD 72
• James was stoned at age 90 and then clubbed to death
• Jude was crucified
• Simon the Zealot was crucified in AD 74
• Matthias was stoned and beheaded

So, these men were executed, after the many years that they had spent preaching, teaching, healing and bearing witness to the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

We are told in the Bible that they were with Jesus as He spoke with love and authority to the crowds, as he performed truly miraculous healings, as he controlled the forces of nature.

These apostles must have told the people that they met about these events, as they travelled around the Mediterranean countries and into Asia.

Wouldn’t you want to cry out, ’Jesus raised a man to life!’, ‘Jesus made a blind man see!’, ‘He was dead but he came back to life!’, ‘He is the Messiah!’.

But how these words led them to their deaths, just as today those stories still exist in our Bibles for us to read whenever we so wish. But so many still struggle to listen and accept the truth of it in their hearts- just like the executioners in the First century.

So for me the Acts of the Apostles bear witness to the truth of Jesus…His miracles, His healings, the power of His teachings, His Resurrection and so His enduring and saving Love.

I would not be able to endure such persecution and face such terrifying deaths as these first followers of Jesus did…unless I too had seen Paradise.