On several occasions the topic of homilies would come up when friends or family are together.  Everyone voices an opinion.  Who prefers the intellectual, brain stimulating homily; or the homily with a story or joke that helps in remembering the gospel lesson in the weeks to come.  Some prefer those filled with historical background to help better understand why and to whom the Gospel was written.  Still others like homilies short and to the point; others longer with “some meat to it.”  Then there is the fire and brimstone homilies.  Some have even left a church to find another with a better homilist they can relate to.

I, myself, have always believed the homilist is inspired by the Holy Spirit to preach the Word of God.  I believe there is a message in every homily for me.  Some more poignant  than others; some I like to hear and some I prefer not to hear, but always a message.

Of all the thousands upon thousands of homilies I have heard over my long life, I asked myself, which did I remember the most?  The answer came quickly, Father Jim’s homily!  He was a visiting priest for a short time in a former parish; an elderly man, a gentle, loving soul with kind words and a smile for everyone.  I hear he has since passed on.

It was about twenty years ago when Father Jim came to the parish.  I went to Mass on a Sunday morning and Father was celebrating Mass. His homily was simple, his voice soft, his face smiling.

Then came the words …. “Jesus loves you.”  “Stay as good as you are.”  “Jesus loves you.”  They took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes, these simple words.  Yes, I knew Jesus loved me.  I learned that from my little neighbor when we were both almost four years old. Howie went to Sunday school and would sing the hymn “Jesus Loves Me This I Know.”  But, there in that church, on that Sunday morning, I heard the inspired words of this priest tell me that Jesus loves me.  It was Jesus, Himself, telling me this.

I don’t remember the circumstances in my life that made those words so necessary to hear, but there had been times in my younger years filled with self doubt…am I lovable; why would anyone love me; am I good enough to be loved?  Jesus was telling me He loved me and, yes, I was good!

Father’s homilies were always simple and had pretty much the same message.  Over the months, I heard some disgruntled parishioners complain.  They wanted to hear something different, something better.  But, I wondered, who in that church on those Sunday mornings, needed to hear, as I needed to hear, “Jesus loves you?”  Who did Jesus love so much that He put Father Jim in their life on that Sunday morning?  What words, what message could be more precious than those words?

God bless you and all those you love.

Sharyn

Dear Jesus, my Lord and my God,  Thank You for loving me.  I love you, too.  Amen

In my early days of bereavement counseling, I always thought of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross as the pioneer of death, dying and grief.  It was her research that changed the way people thought.  Listening to the homily at a funeral Mass for a dear friend, I learned that St. Luke, in Chapter 24:13-35, cited three elements to find inner healing when grieving.  These are Scripture, the Eucharist and a loving community.

He relates the story of Jesus meeting two of His followers on the road to Emmaus.  These men were distraught and Jesus interpreted for them what the prophets in the Scriptures had said about the Messiah.

In the Bible, over and over, Jesus reassures us of everlasting life.  He says, “I am the resurrection and the life.”  That gives us the hope of being, not only with Jesus after we die, but, with all those we love.  All who believe in Him will be raised up on the last day.  With that reassurance, our tears and sadness will turn to hope and joy.

St. Paul acknowledges grief but writes that they “may not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.”  I can’t begin to imagine the desolation of not believing we will see our loved ones again.  Sometimes, it hard to go through life without that dear one, let alone, for all eternity.  Hope is a beacon in our darkest moments and in the depths of our sorrow.

Jesus dined with them.  He broke bread, blessed it and gave it to them.  It was at that time they recognized Him and He vanished.  In the Eucharist, Christ is, likewise, truly with us.  At Mass we celebrate the life, death and resurrection of Jesus.  We discover Jesus.  With Him we begin to heal…He heals our spirit, just as He healed believers when He walked the Earth.

After Jesus vanished, the disciples quickly went back to their people.  We, too, need community to share our hurts and pain, our hope and love, our faith.  Loving people in our family, our friends, our parish and our community, give us the strength to walk through our grief.  Through our grieving and healing, we will be the ones in our community to have the words and heart to help others heal.

So it seems that St. Luke was an original bereavement educator…look to the Scriptures to learn about death and life everlasting; seek Jesus in the Eucharist as He is the Almighty Healer; and join with others in community for support and love.

I remember as a child, learning that the Bible speaks to all our problems and concerns; and, so it does.

May God bless you and all those you love.

Sharyn

Dear God,  Help me to always seek You out in Scripture, in the Eucharist and in others.  Thank you for being so available to me.  I love you.  Amen

It was the game of all ice hockey games on Sunday!  My two grandsons were in a tournament and their team took first place medals.  Team members ranged from 7 years to 9 years old.  Tommy is nine and Chris is seven.  Over the past several months, this team has grown by leaps and bounds as hockey players.  The young ones started out with ankles turned in, falling frequently and skating slowly.  The older boys were more coordinated, stayed upright a little longer and moved a little faster.  With every practice and game they improved.

Chris learned to pass and take the puck away from opponents, partly from practice and partly from his dad encouraging him to “not just stand there.”  He even scored some goals. Tommy seemed to have “found his sport.”  He was amazing… like lightening on the ice, had wonderful control of the puck and maneuvered skillfully around his opponents.  He scored many times and hat tricks were not uncommon.  Yet, Chris was always happy for his older brother.  There was no jealousy, no sulking, because of Tommy’s accomplishments.

Tournament weekend came and the goalie was unable to play.  Chris was asked to take that position.  Young seven year old Chris took his place in front of the net to face nine year olds who eagerly wanted to score.  As good as the defense was, shots were made.  There was a break away… a big nine year old was speeding towards the net, towards Chris.  It was a beautiful, strong shot…airborne towards the net.  Time stood still.  Chris reached up and caught the speeding puck!  The crowd went wild!  He blocked that one and others, time and time again. Yes, he missed three but he stopped many leading to the victory.

The story doesn’t end there; it was what happened between these two brothers on the ice that made me proudest.  Every time Chris made a save, Tommy would skate over to pat Chris on the top of his helmet or on his back.  This nine year old hockey whiz was there to support his brother.  He was there to share in his success.

Trophies were given out and Chris got the MVP award as goalie for “making several difficult saves during third period.”  Without those saves, they would have lost the game  and lost the championship.  Chris stole the limelight, much to his own surprise and delight!  Tommy was right there to celebrate his brother’s success.

Two brothers, over the months, happy for each others accomplishments…no jealousy, just delight in each other. They did what Christ wanted them to do…love each other and be happy for each other.  Christ was there with them on the ice.  They were an example to their teammates and to the adults, as well.

So isn’t that what Christ expects of all of us…to acknowledge the talents in others and to be happy for their gifts?  Take that even further… to acknowledge the successes of others and to be happy for them…to share in their joy, even when we are not as successful.

I think to do that, we have to realize that each and every talent we have is God-given.  God gives us these gifts for very specific reasons… for our mission in life.  We must be secure in God’s love for us  and trust Him with our lives.  We have to have faith that He knows what gifts and talents we need and that He will provide them.  If we use our talents to the fullest, God will bless us abundantly.

I think with each talent comes a responsibility to use it to the best of our ability and to use it to help others.  As Christians, we need to look beyond our own talents to see and appreciate those of others.  We need to validate their talents as wonderful gifts from God; acknowledge how well they use these gifts; and share in the celebration of the fruits of their talents.

Now, the trick is to go out and see all those wonderful talents in others, friends and strangers alike; to be happy for them, for their accomplishments, for their successes; and to share in their joy.  Finally, to thank God always for all the talents He so lovingly bestows on each and every one of us.

May God bless you and all those you love.

Sharyn

Dear God, Help me to always appreciate the talents in others and to be thankful for the talents you have given me.  Amen

We were always taught that our feelings make us human.  They are neither right nor wrong; they just are.  It’s what we do with the feelings that makes them right or wrong.  When losing a loved one, children experience an array of feelings.  Some are new.  Other feelings have been experienced before, but not to the magnitude during a loss.  Adults have similar feelings, but life experiences make them familiar and a tad easier to deal with.

Anger seems to always rear its head.  Anger at God for taking their beloved…at healthcare professionals for not saving their beloved…at people who say unkind or insensitive things about their loved one, or at people who just don’t understand their pain and try to minimize it.

Guilt seems to always sneak in.  Children may think they actually caused the death because of something they said, did, or thought.  One teenager, after several typical spats teens and parents have, wished that his father would die.  Sure enough, he had a heart attack and died.  The teen wanted his father dead at that point in time and the guilt was enormous.  He also thought the arguing caused the heart attack.  His mother had the physician talk to him about his father’s coronary artery disease in an effort to assure him his dad would have died regardless of  what was said.

Children need to be assured that nothing they think or say can cause a death.   It reminds me of that sidewalk rhyme…. “step on a crack and you break your mother’s back.”  How many of us as youngsters thought harm would come to our mothers after we stepped on that crack?  I was terrified for the next hour!

There seems to be so much regret and guilt about what was done and not done, said and not said…guilt about not helping with chores when asked…guilt for saying something unkind or for not saying “I love you” enough.  And the list goes on.

As for all ages, guilt has to be looked at realistically.  Sometimes we can see that there is no reason for our feelings of guilt.  Other times guilt may be justified and then we need to deal with those feelings, to work them through.

Anxiety about the future is common.  Children are so dependent upon adults that insecurity arises with the loss of a parent or caregiving adult.  What will happen to them?  Who will care for them?  What will happen to the other loving adults in their lives?  Children need to be listened to, their concerns addressed, and reassured they will be taken care of.  Life will be normal again; different, but normal.

Sadness fills their hearts.  Their loved one is not there.  No more a part of their life.  Children need to be allowed to express their sadness and allowed to cry.  This is not the time to tell them they are “the man of the family now” and they “need to be strong” for the surviving adults.  They need to be walked lovingly through their sadness.

Loneliness is a companion as they realize their loved one is irreplaceable and gone forever.  Even in a crowd of people, they may feel lonely.

Confusion is common, resulting from all the changes after the death and their lack of control over situations.  Allow children to make some age-appropiate decisions.

Children need supportive adults around them to help them on their grief journey.  Sometimes they feel better talking to other grieving children.  Art therapy groups and children’s bereavement groups are advised.  Local hospitals, churches and private therapists usually offer these.

Life needs to be as normal as possible.  Sometimes other adults, like grandparents, aunts, uncles, or friends, need to help make that happen.

Physical activity is needed.  Kicking a ball, working out with a friend, tearing up old newspapers, screaming into a pillow, smashing ice cubes on the sidewalk, pounding clay, kneading bread, bicycling, running and anything else that uses up energy and reduces the stress.

Write about feelings and experiences.  Keep a journal.  Write a letter to the deceased or to God, especially if you are angry at them.  Fold it up and put it away, or bury it at graveside or burn it (with an adult present).  Little ones can scribble and color on large pieces of paper.

Make a scrapbook or photo album.  As time goes on, help other children who are grieving.

Play a musical instrument, compose a song.  Write a poem or story.

It’s a time for adults to teach children about death and religious beliefs.  A time to talk about heaven, all the saints, and life everlasting.  A time to turn to God for strength and comfort.  A time to teach of God’s love for us, that He is always with us and will never leave us.  He does not cause us harm or hurt us.   A time to teach that God will get you through this difficult time.  A time to thank God for the blessings He sends each day, no matter how small.  A time to pray, to be seen praying and to teach children to pray.  In that way, no matter what befalls them in the future, a dependancy on God has been taught.  They will know that God is always there for them and will help them through anything.

May God bless you and all those you love,

Sharyn

Dear God,  bless all the grieving children.  Help them through this difficult time.  Show them Your love.  Amen

When children lose a loved one their world is turned upside-down.  Predictability of everyday life is gone.  Their sense of security is gone.  They become acutely aware of the ramifications of illness and accidents on their young lives.  Most have no idea what to expect when death knocks on their door and the feelings it brings are beyond what they are familiar with.  They have limited resources to cope.

Children, as many adults, feel that death is to be endured alone and in silence.  They are fearful that sharing their feelings with their family will further upset and cause more pain to those family members.  Sharing with friends and classmates, especially those who have not experienced a loss, may make them seem different and alienate them from their peers.  Without support and being able to share their thoughts, feelings and ask questions, children stifle and bury their emotions.  This stops them from working through their grief.

Matthew was 5 years old when I first met him.  His mother died after a short illness.  His father would bring him to me weekly.  About 6 years later, I met the principal of his school.  She asked if I remembered Matthew and told me the following story.  Matt was in 7th grade at the time when a 6 grader’s father died.  Matthew went to the principal to ask for permission to talk to that student about her loss.  He said that he understood her sadness and wanted to help her.  He wanted to share his experience of the loss of his mother and assure her things “will get better.”  The principal wanted me to see how well Matthew had worked through his grief.  I always told my bereaved that their loss will make them either a bitter person or a compassionate person.  The choice was theirs.  Matthew became that compassionate, caring person who reached out to another in pain.  How proud I am of him!

Grief must always be resolved; and, if it isn’t, will expose itself at a later date.  Perhaps at another death, even a less significant one.  Understand though, that children will revisit grief at each stage of development to see what it means at that age not to have their loved one with them.

Children need supportive and compassionate people at this time, sometimes adults and sometimes peers.  They need role models to help them understand grief and to see how others work through their grief.  They need to see that grief, with its pain and sorrow, is a normal process.  They need to be assured that slowly things will return to normal; different but normal.

Children, during these ages, need a great deal of reassurance.  They may experience separation anxiety.  If one loved one died, another can die, too, they think.  A young widow of mine told me that her 6 years old was terrified when she was gone for short periods, even when left with a loving family member.  When she needed to leave the house, she would call him frequently to tell him where she was and when she would be home.  Slowly the phone calls needed to be less frequent.  Slowly he realized that she would be coming home.  It was worth the effort to her to reassure her young son that she was fine.  She accepted his fear.  She did not ridicule or criticize him for it.  She lovingly worked with him to overcome it.

Children need love and affection, but may be embarrassed by it.  Sometimes they emotionally separate themselves from loved ones as a defense mechanism.

Boys seem to loose some manual skills and may not be as coordinated as they were.  This sometimes shows up in their handwriting.  They may not do as well in sports and their grades may fall.  With the loss of a loved one and then not doing as well in school and sports, it seems to them their entire world is crashing down around them.

If asked about children attending viewings and funerals, I always say that it is a good idea.  They are included in that family experience and will not feel isolated or abandoned. They see what actually is happening and their imaginations will not run wild.  Explain what they will see, who will be there, and what they will be doing.  It’s a time to cry and a time to reminisce about the deceased which, many times, brings laughter.  Tell them that there is a lounge they can sit in with other family members, if they like.  Ask them to help choose pictures that will be displayed at the funeral home.  Age appropriately, encourage them to be part of the preparations; but, respect what they are emotionally capable of doing.

I remember 5 year old Will at his grandmothers viewing.  He stayed pretty close to his mom but was talking to others there, receiving hugs and kisses from all.  He was an important part of that day, of his grandmother’s funeral.  He saw how sad people were, he saw them cry and he saw them laugh.  He saw how much everyone loved his grandmother.  Most importantly, he saw that family and friends were there to help each other through this difficult time.  How blessed he was to have the love and support of family and friends and to have parents to walk with him through the loss of his beloved grandmother.

In my next blog, I will talk about grieving children and their feelings.  Please know that I welcome comments and will answer any questions to the best of my ability.

God bless you and all those you love.

Sharyn.

Dear God, Help us to embrace our grief, to tear it apart and look closely at it so that we can move through it to better days.  Help us as we lovingly guide the grieving children in our lives.  Amen.

“They’re doing so well.”  “They are so resilient.”  “They’re fine; they are playing and laughing with their little friends.”  These are the responses I usually hear when I ask how a child is doing after losing a loved one.  These answers are correct for that moment in time but seem to say that the child is not grieving or has finished grieving.  And that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Children are the forgotten grievers.  They grieve.  They feel the pain of loss.  They suffer the disorganization of life after a loss.  They revisit grief at each stage of their development.  They grieve differently than adults; in spurts, not 24/7 as I discussed in my last blog.

Looking at infants and toddlers, we see that, although they have no concept of death, they react to the emotions in others.  They also react to the separation from the person who cares for them.

These reactions may be in the form of crankiness or lots of tears.  Young ones will cling to others wanting to be held.  They may experience some stomach upset.

To help these little ones, it is best to keep their routine as normal as possible.  If  that’s not feasible during this time of loss, ask someone else to care for them for a short time.

Three to five year olds have no concept of death.  They see it on TV and in movies.  From this media they may even believe death is reversible.  Cartoon characters die, only to come back to life in the next few minutes.  This leads to magical thinking that their loved one will come back to life.  They cannot comprehend the concept of permanency of death before the age of five.

One of my widows, Regina, had a grandson, Patrick, who was 4 years old when his grandfather died.  Living next door to him, Patrick was very close to his grandfather.  His parents and grandmother explained Grandpa was in Heaven with God.  But, Patrick, whenever looking up at the stars would say that his grandpa would be coming home.  After reminding him of heaven and God many times, Regina would simply reply, “wouldn’t that be nice.”  One evening, when Patrick was about five years old, looking up at the stars, he said to his grandmother, “Grandpa’s not coming home any more, is he?”  He got it; he realized that death is permanent.

Prior to grasping this concept, children may show little concern about what has happened.  After all, their loved one will be back.  It may take time for the loss to affect them emotionally. Usually that happens once they realized they will not see their loved one again.

With that, they may want to fix things for the adult grievers; make them happy again.  They try not to say anything or ask any questions about the death because they don’t want to upset the adults.

Little Katie was five years old when she was in my children’s group.  Her daddy died the year before in an accident.  We were talking about feelings that day when Katie shared how much she missed him.  I asked if she told her mother that.  “I’ve only told you; Mommy is sad and I don’t want to make her cry,” was her reply.  And so this little one was carrying the pain of her grief and trying to protect her mother from more pain…a tremendous burden for a five year old.

As we tend to do with all those grieving, we don’t want them to hurt, so as adults we often tell others not to cry.  We down play their pain.  We don’t validate their feelings.  So, too, we do this with children.  And what do children do then?  They hold their feelings in; they don’t share them with anyone.  They wonder if it’s okay to have those feelings.  They get lost in their grief journey; wandering without the help they need to work through their grief.

How do we help these little ones?  How can we hold their pain in our hands so that they can look at it and come to terms with it?

*  Let them see you cry.  Tell them why you are sad, how much you miss your loved one.  Then talk about a happy time with your loved one; maybe something that will make you both laugh.  In this way, you are acknowledging your sad feelings and your pain; but, then you’re building cherished memories of your loved one.

*  Do not reject any of the feelings they share with you.  Allow them their feelings.  Remember feelings are neither right nor wrong.  It is how you handle them.

*  Allow the child to comfort you.  It helps them to feel part of this loss and the effect on everyone in the family.

*  Be patient with them.  They may ask the same questions over and over again.  Allow that and answer as simply as possible to meet their needs.  Sometimes these questions maybe painful for you.

*  Try to maintain order and stability in the child’s life.  It may mean having that birthday party for them or putting up that Christmas tree.  Allow others to help you with this.

*  Reassure children that things will get better.  Life will not always be disorganized.

*  Let them know that they do not need to be ashamed of their grief or their tears.  It’s okay to cry and that there will be tears in the future…on holidays, birthdays, special occasions.

*  Love them.  Hug them.  Spend extra time together, if possible, doing something that is fun.  In that way you will be building new memories for you and your children.

*  Tell them that your loved one is with God.  Explain simply why he died…an accident, an illness, his heart stopped.  Don’t use the phrase “God took him” but reassure them that your loved one is with God once he died and that God is taking care of him.

*  Pray with them, even if you are angry with God.  It is the greatest gift you can give a child.  Let them know that God is sad for them and cries with them.  That He is always there with them.  That He loves them and will never leave them.

*  Remember that if you share this grief journey with your children, it will strengthen the bond between you.  They will see that as a family you can survive this, and perhaps, anything else the future may hold for you.

In my next blog, I will discuss the grieving six to ten year old.

May God bless you and all those you love.

Sharyn

Dear God, Please hold all grieving children in Your Arms.  Comfort them.  Help them through this difficult time.  Give the adults the wisdom and strength to be there for these little ones.  Amen

Most of the time when someone dies children are left behind…grandchildren, children, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends.  And yet their grief is seldom validated.  Why is that?  Have they no feelings?  Are they immune to the pain of loss?  Are they self-centered and think only of themselves?

To look at a child who has had a loss, we might say that they are doing well, moving on, resilient.  They seem to be back at their everyday activities; they laugh and play.  So, why is that, if the pain is there?

Simply children, little ones up to teen-agers, grieve differently than adults.  But their loss is as real and painful as anyone else’s.

Ron, a teenager, who’s sister was killed in an auto accident, told me that when he went back to classes after the funeral, everyone was asking about his mother.  “How is your mother doing?”  “Is your mom okay; this must be awful for her?”  These types of questions came from teachers, staff and classmates.  He told me that no one asked how he was doing…how he was surviving the loss of his beloved sister..how he felt; no one except his coach.  Just that one person asked about him.  It was as if only a mother/daughter relationship was worthy of pain; not a brother/ sister relationship.

I met Stephanie when she was eight years old. Her father died when she was five.  I asked her how she felt when she sees her second grade classmates with their fathers.  She looked up at me, straight into my eyes and said, “I feel like I have a hole in my heart.”

Yes, children grieve.  Their grief is profound.  It dramatically impacts their life.

So how is it different, their grief from ours?  Grief is like an 80 lb. knapsack.  Adults can carry it around on their backs 24/7; all day, all night for months, sometimes years.  That 80 lb. knapsack is too heavy for a child to carry all the time.  A child has to put it down, rest for a while before picking it up again.  During that rest time they play and laugh.  They do the things all children do.  Then, when ready for the pain, they pick up that knapsack…they cry, they’re sad, they question.  They try to come to terms with their loss.

One mother called me and told me she was very upset because her son wanted to go to the school basketball game on Friday evening with friends.  Her husband had just died 2 weeks prior.  “How can he do that,” she wanted to know?  “Doesn’t he love his father; doesn’t he miss him,” she questioned?

This young teen certainly loved his father but needed to put that heavy knapsack down for a bit.  His life had changed.  Things were significantly different without his dad.  He needed some semblance of normality in his life, even if for only a couple of hours.  And, yes, he will pick up that knapsack and grieve, again and again, when able.

The interesting thing is that children will regrieve their loss at each stage of development.  What it means to lose a parent, a sibling or any loved one, changes as the child grows older.

For example, to lose a parent at six takes on a whole new meaning at nine and thirteen, at seventeen and twenty-one.  The parent is not there for those lifetime milestones…graduations, first job, driving, dating, college.  Not there to cheer during sporting games, dance recitals, spelling bees and talent shows.  Not there to answer questions about make-up, fashions, the opposite sex or just plain sex.

The living parent, or another loving person, may be there for them; but, children will still ponder and grieve what it means not to have their loved one in their life. What it would be like, how their life would be different, if just, maybe, that beloved had not died.

In future blogs, I would like to continue discussing children, their grieving and how we may help them along their grief journey.

May God bless you and all those you love.

Sharyn

Dear God,  It seems so unfair that children should have to grieve.  If I had my way, there would be no grieving for them until they were at least 25 years old.  But it isn’t my way. So please be with them.  Hold these dear ones in Your arms.  Let them feel your Presence in their lives.  Comfort them, give them Your Peace and, please, make things good for them again. Amen.

Yesterday, I opened my e-mail to read tragic news.  A young family in our parish lost their precious new baby.  They took the baby to bed with them and in the morning found the baby had suffocated during the night.  Just reading that broke my heart.  I can’t begin to imagine the heartache and pain this family is enduring.  Please keep them in your prayers.

I remember a time when my baby was colicky.  I brought him into bed and placed him on a pillow in hopes to soothe him.  I would stay awake until he fell asleep and would move him back to his crib.  Being an exhausted new mom, I fell asleep.  I woke with a fright, and fear raced through me.  Fortunately, my little one was fine.  Never again did I take that chance.

As a nurse, I can’t help but to advise parents not to bring babies into bed during the night.  There is equipment called a co-sleeper bassinet that attaches to an adult bed for an infant to sleep next to a parent at arms reach and still be safe.  Some controversy exists at this time as to how safe or unsafe the practice of co-sleeping is.  More research needs to be done; but, in my opinion, I would hesitate.  There are too many factors and conditions to consider.  Likewise, I am aware that many more people in non-Western countries do this.  I respect their customs, but I personally can not recommend the practice without safety precautions.

The ramifications of any infant death are numerous.  Mothers and fathers feel guilty; they are supposed to protect their children from harm.  Guilt sometimes surfaces even in a death beyond their control.

Parents will blame themselves or each other.  Blame may be put on the other spouse, especially if the baby was in that person’s care at the time of death.  “If only he was more careful.”  “She should have checked on the baby.”  “Why was he driving so fast?”  The blame continues.  Many times no one is at fault.  Other times it’s an accident, certainly not meant to happen.

Anger may be rampant.  Words are spoken that may be painful and hurting.  Once spoken, can never be taken back and probably will never be forgotten.

How can couples survive this tragedy?

*It takes a strong marriage.

*It takes a strong commitment to survive and work through this grief together.

*It takes a strong faith in God.

*It takes a willingness to communicate openly and non-judgmentally with each other.

*It takes time and effort.

*It takes a strong, supportive network of caring, nonjudgmental family members and friends.

*It takes a forgiving heart when needed.

*It takes professional counseling, many times, to guide couples through this pain.

It’s a grief filled with so many strong emotions that affect not only the parents, but the infant’s siblings, grandparents and other family members.

Siblings seem to be resilient and are often forgotten grievers.  The focus is on mom & dad.

Grandparents have to grieve the death of a grandbaby.  But, also, have to watch the pain their adult children are enduring.  They can be supportive and caring but can’t take the pain away from their children.  That’s most difficult.

Everyone has to work through the four tasks of mourning.  (See my November blogs.)  Everyone has their own grief journey to travel in their own time and in their own way.

May God bless you and all those you love.

Sharyn

Dear God,  Please comfort and be present to all mourning the death of their precious babies.  Help them through this difficult time.  Bless them, give them Your peace and hold them tightly in Your arms.  Amen

Centuries ago,  forgiveness meant “to release someone from debt.”  Forgiving someone would set a prisoner free.  Ironically, when we forgive, the prisoner we set free is ourself.  If we don’t forgive, if we harbor grudges or seek revenge, we are the ones locked in a prison; a prison of our own making.

Why is it so hard to forgive, when our spiritual well-being is in need of it?  Sometimes we think forgiveness means that we condone the action:  the hurt, the pain, the evil done to us.  How can we condone such acts?

In reality, that is not what is being asked of us in forgiveness.  Jesus forgives us; He loves the sinners but hates the sins.

How easy is it for us to do what we ask in praying the “Our Father?”  “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  Well, that is, everyone except Johnny or Mary!

Initially, for me that was a strong motivator.  My sins are numerous; my omissions are many.  They may be small sins, but they’re there.  I try each day to be as God wants, but they sneak in.  So, I’m a sinner and I need God to forgive me.  Then, I must forgive.

Just as I’m a sinner, so too, others are and sometimes those sins are against me.  Who is rude or insulting, who steals my parking space or cuts me off while driving.  That’s easy; I can make excuses for those people….problems and worries at home with family; late for work; in a hurry to get home before their children get off the school bus.  I can forgive these things.  I’ve been there and done that.

But, what about the difficult things?  How easy is it to forgive the big things…the pain caused to your child, rejection by a loved one, stealing that caused financial hardship.  And the list of painful, heart-wrenching transgressions goes on.  How do we forgive them…how do we do that?

As probably most people, I, too, have had tremendous pain in my life caused by the deliberate, Godless acts of others.  This is what I have come to learn about forgiveness:

*My thoughts were  always about the transgressor…what he said, what he did, what I should have said, what I will say if meeting again, what I can do to show him the pain caused…and the words played over and over in my mind.  They crept into my mind when I was doing menial tasks, when driving, when praying.  I was consumed by these thoughts; I was a prisoner.

*All these thoughts took time away from my present day, my life, my loved ones, my God.

*I was allowing this person to continue to hurt me, to cause me anxiety and sleepless nights.

*I was allowing him to hurt my loved ones because I was not there for them mentally and emotionally.

*Everyone is accountable to God for their actions.  God will judge my transgressor.

*God said, “Vengeance is Mine.”  In His wisdom, He will handle the situation much better than I can.

*God is especially angry with someone who hurts a child or a widow.  The Bible tells me of His concern for widows and orphans and His Love for all children.

*I can only forgive the pain and hurt caused to me.  I can not forgive for someone else the pain caused them.  God doesn’t expect that of us.  They need to forgive for themselves.

*Sometimes I can’t forgive face to face because of the situation; but, I can tell God that I forgive my transgressor for the hurt caused me.  I place that person in God’s Hands and trust God will handle everything from then on.

*Sometimes, someone will say “I’m sorry.”  Then it’s easier to say in reply, “I forgive you.”

I think the pain of an unloving, broken relationship is very difficult and becomes even more difficult if that person dies.  What do you do then?

Talk to the deceased, at the cemetery or in front of their picture, and tell them your pain and your feelings.  End with, “I forgive you.”

Or write a letter to the deceased…write down the hurt and pain, your feelings.  Take your time writing this; it doesn’t have to be done all at once.  Lastly, write the words, “I forgive you.”  Write them and mean them.  When finished, you can burn the letter or bury the letter at the cemetery or in your backyard.  It can be saved but disposing of the letter is a way of ridding yourself of the hurt and pain.  Ridding yourself of the transgression.

Finally, tell God you are placing all the pain, hurt and forgiveness in His Hands.

Then, move on with your life.  Move on with this burden lifted from your shoulders.   Move on with a free spirit knowing that now you are free.

May God bless you and all those you love.

Sharyn

Dear God,  Forgive me all my trespasses.  Forgive me for the times I found it difficult to forgive.  Please lift any pain and hurt from my heart and fill it with forgiveness.  Amen

“I’m an orphan, now,” said my husband after the death of his mother.  A friend at the viewing of her 97 year old mother said, “I know she was elderly; but, she was with me everyday.”  “Nobody seems to understand,” she continued.  And so she was right.  The death of an middle-aged or elderly parent seems less unfair, less meaningful, less outrageous than other deaths.  Unless, of course, you have lost a parent.

Parents are our link to our past.  They have been with us since before our birth.  They know all about those younger years, all about us.  It’s said that when a parent dies, so does our past.  We have our memories but they have the answers.

I have a memory of walking next to my father, hand in hand, when I was about three years old.  He was singing the “I love you a bushel and a peck” song.  He and my mother were divorced the next year.  I saw him every other Saturday but things were different.  I don’t remember him singing that song at any other time.  I wish I asked him how much he sang it to me when I was little.   Were there other songs he sang?  He died in 1994; I never did ask him about that song, that place, that time.  My chance gone forever.  The answers died with him.  So, in a way, a part of my past died.

Some species leave their young ones shortly after birth.  God allows our parents to be important throughout our lives.  If we are blessed, then love, respect and support for each other will grow over the years.

Babies and children need physical care…food, clothing, shelter and love.

Teens still need that and more…rules, values, morals; someone to teach them all that and to love them.

Twenty and thirty year-olds look for guidance and support as they start their own families and their careers.   They look to share their children and accomplishments with their parents. They need baby-sitters for their kiddies!  And they, too, need love.

Forty and fifty year-olds sometimes are the sandwich generation; caring for  their own children and taking on some responsibility for their parents…running errands, medical care or financial guidance.  Sometimes, resentment surfaces: children resenting added responsibilities and parents resenting their inability to care for themselves and to handle their own affairs.  They both need love.  After death there may be feelings of sadness, longing and,sometimes, guilt; especially for those feelings of resentment.

Sixty years olds feel old themselves, with physical problems of their own.  Yet, strong attachments grow when a parent lives with an adult child, especially if that child never married, is widowed or divorced. More time may be spent visiting with a parent in assisted living or in a nursing home.  There’s more time to reminisce about the past with the person who shared more than sixty years with us.

Grieving adult children need to realize their feelings are normal.  Their relationship with a parent deserves to be mourned.  No one can fill that space.

Then there are those not so blessed.  Arguments, disagreements, hard feelings can all strain relationships.  There are parents who are disliked, from whom needs were never met.  This relationship is difficult at any age, as is the parent’s death.  Mourning is for what never was and what never will be.  Death ended any possibility of a loving relationship, of mending that broken relationship, of saying “I’m sorry” or “I love you.”

When a parent dies, their physical being is lost but there are other common losses that are grieved.

*Loss of childhood:   Parents watched as we grew, lovingly saved our art work, remembered our sports games, can tell us when we lost our first tooth and took our first step.

*Loss of unconditional love:   Parents can provide a certain kind of love not found in others.  We’re loved because we are their child.  We always will be their child.  It’s said, “If Mama ain’t happy, no one’s happy!”  I believe that Mama’s not happy unless her children are happy and healthy.”

*Loss of a friend:   Parents can be best friends, confidants. Usually there are regular visits or phone calls, Sunday dinners.

*Loss of financial support:   We have no one to fall back onto, if needed.

*Loss of support:   The help that’s given to us by baby-sitting, running errands, preparing dinners to help make our hectic days easier.  The words of encouragement and advice or words of love and caring.

If we are blessed with good parents all the days of our lives than their death is a tremendous loss.  Can it be compared to the loss of other relationships?  No, that’s like comparing apples to oranges.  Within each type of relationship, each loss is unique; therefore, each loss is uniquely grieved.

Hopefully, when losing a parent, we will be more aware of and patient with the grieving journey we embark upon.

Hopefully, we will be the caring, supportive, and understanding person who acknowledges this loss as significant and meaningful in others.

For more information about the grieving process, see my November 2011 blogs.

May God bless you and all those you love.

Sharyn

Dear God,  Thank you for the gift of my parents.  May my mother’s days here be filled with love, happiness and contentment.  Help me make that possible.  Keep my dad close to you and one day bring us all together to be with you for all eternity.  Amen.