It hit me today in Mass.  In the Gospel, Judas and Jesus had just had their testy exchange.  Jesus announced that someone there would betray him.  Amazed, the apostles looked at each other.  After all this time, they perhaps could not believe that anyone among them would!  Certainly, after all they’d been through!!???  Judas, however, knew.  And in that moment of knowing in his heart; Satan entered into him.

Satan entered into him; and Jesus told him to go – and act quickly.

Act quickly?!!  Act at all??!!!!

‘I know that you are going to go to the authorities and betray me.  I know that they will come, arrest me and put me to a horrible, unimaginable death.  So go… get going.”

What??!!!  And then Jesus said something else, and it jumped out at me as though I had heard it for the first time.

“Now is the Son of Man glorified, and God is glorified in him.”

NOW he is glorified?!  NOW???!!

Of all the moments in Jesus’ life; the transfiguration, the miraculous healings, the confrontations with demons – NOW Jesus was glorified?

How can this be?

Unless…. unless – He is glorified through sacrifice, and suffering.

Don’t we look at things completely differently?  Don’t we look for glory through accomplishment, through prestige, through acclaim?  Don’t we tell people, in moments of sacrifice and suffering, that we will pray for them; and that we hope it passes quickly and painlessly?

When was the last time someone told you they were suffering – and you congratulated them on their glory?

When I heard this, I made a mental note to remember that the next time I am facing hardship and, yes, even suffering – to stop and say out loud “NOW I am glorified in my Father, and He is glorified in me…”

It might make all the difference.

It might remind me – and others – that God’s ways are not man’s ways.  It might remind me – and others – that in times of sacrifice, and suffering, God becomes visible to the world because it is only God who carries us through.  And when we let Him; then we let the world see HIS glory…

“…for the LORD sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”  (1 Samuel 16:7)

Once again, feeling down and desperate after attending to the state of the world. Women in the front lines of combat (so, now we are a nation that sends our mothers off to die); gay activists pushing for criminalization of Christian beliefs (and being supported by all, it seems), 40 years of cheerfully killing infants in the womb (and honoring it as a ‘right’) – attacks on all sides by those who are not only indifferent to Christianity – but downright hostile. I fret Lord – what will become of us?

And then I pick up a Catholic newspaper, and read of those who walked before. Dorothy Day – shot at for doing her outspoken work. Was it better in those days? When the poverty of millions of immigrants and people was a grinding daily burden? Were Christian hearts any lighter then? And the new Priest on the road to Sainthood – Fr. Seelos (?) of New Orleans. Preaching here in the early 1800′s. Living in the South where he saw, daily, the hateful evil of slavery; seemingly never ending. Was Christianity any easier then? Do I think that people were any more devout when they all went to Church on Sundays, and whipped slaves all the others?  Were those who recognized the evil of it all any more filled with joy than those who recognize the evil today?

No, it has ever been so, and most probably in a sin drenched world, it ever will be. As our nation turns, I need to read of the early Apostles. I need to stop looking at the attacks of the enemy; and start looking at the strength of our God.

Psalm 136:12 With mighty hand and outstretched arm, for his mercy endures forever
Psalm 89:14 You have a mighty arm. Your hand is strong; your right hand is ever exalted.
Psalm 20:7 Now I know the LORD gives victory to his anointed. He will answer him from the holy heavens with a strong arm that brings victory.

Now perhaps is a good time to remember where, and how, we draw our power. It has always been such, and it ever will be…

Ephesians 6:10-18  Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power.  Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil.  For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens.  Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground.  So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace.  In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all [the] flaming arrows of the evil one.  And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Constant Prayer.  With all prayer and supplication, pray at every opportunity in the Spirit. To that end, be watchful with all perseverance and supplication for all the holy ones

“He wept bitter tears because he knew how to love…” St. Augustine said, concerning St. Peter’s reaction after realizing he had betrayed the Lord; just as Jesus had told him.

This speaks to me. One of my biggest regrets are all the times that my sinfulness – selfishness, laziness, anger, impatience, pride, etc. – has caused me to hurt another person. For it always seems to be in the reflection period afterward, that the truth of what happened occurs. It is then that Jesus gives me His point of view – and it hurts my heart. It causes me great pain, and great grief, to realize that someone has suffered due to my own sinfulness. Especially when that someone is someone I love – the bitterness of that knowledge can be almost too much to bear.

We throw our pebbles into the pond; and sometimes it is not until the 3rd, 10th, 20th, wave outward that we see the hurtful effects of that throw. If I had only known – oh how I wish I had not ‘thrown that pebble’! And I weep bitter tears, and am washed with bitter regrets.

But isn’t that because I know how to love? St. Augustine seems to think so. And as long as I continue to love – then there is hope for another day. For love is a sign; a sign that God resides in my heart; for He IS love!  And if He remains with me, then there is hope that I can continue to love, to try to make things right; to begin again.

I need to remember that when I am full of bitter regrets. St. Peter, the leader of God’s church, was full of the same. And the humility of experiencing that, is what he was able to use, to lead us all…

I begin the gospel of Mark today; and read of You – that You are:

“the voice of one crying in the wilderness:
Prepare the way of the Lord,
make His paths straight -”

And I realize that You were just one. That’s all. One.

The thought comes to me that a darkening world is not exactly a hindrance. All it took was one. One willing to love; and willing to sacrifice.

I can do that, Jesus – if You enable me.

The Lord is so funny – and so persistent.

So,  I go to sleep at about 10:30pm; and am awakened at 3:30am. I am wide awake like I usually am when the Lord is calling me to come sit with Him.  But I see the clock and realize that gives me only 5 hours of sleep. I have a full day of work waiting and so I think – if only it was 4:30 – that would be a better time! And I drift back off to sleep.

Suddenly I hear myself saying, with a sigh, “Oh Lord!” I wake myself up with my own words, and look at my watch – 4:30am.

He came back.

Not put off, not angry I was not willing to see Him earlier.  He simply heard my thoughts, accepted my reasoning – and came back.  Jesus.  GOD.  Rewriting His schedule according to MY plans.

GOD.

Oh Jesus, what is man, that You are mindful of him? (Psalm 8:4)  It always leaves me speechless; in awe.  GOD deigns to spend time with me.  When He is not creating new universes; fashioning galaxies from whole cloth; keeping all the earth and planets on schedule.  He comes looking for me - you know, to just kind of … hang out.

I’m not sure what He gets from the equation – but I know what I get – knowledge that no matter what – someone loves me.  And that “someone” is God.

Just plain simply doesn’t get any better than that…

I am, once again, wrestling with the state of the world – the level of darkness in it and the sinfulness of people’s hearts and souls.  I had come back from a teacher’s conference where someone had made an innocent reference to an antique garden hoe that they had found.  Except they called it a “Virginia hoe”.  Suddenly the room filled with much laughter.  I had no clue what they were laughing about; and looked around for answers.  (Being clueless is NOT a rare occurance for me – hence I’ve learned to be a quick study…)  And then I realized.  They were laughing because the words ‘Virginia hoe’, made everyone think of a whore.  In the US, the word ‘ho’ has come to be associated with it.  Even my 6th graders knew that.  Everyone knew that.  Everyone except me.

Have I mentioned that I don’t watch television anymore?  I stopped about 25 years ago.  Simply had no time with 4 small children and a husband gone to sea.  I never picked the habit back up.  Once the children were older, I began my law practice, and never had a spare minute to waste.  Now I wonder how anyone manages to get anything done in this world.  Studies show that people watch television every single night!  How are they living?

I know one thing that they are not doing.  They are not keeping an innocent heart, and mind.

I was also, a couple weeks ago, at a conference for my husband’s employment.  One of his colleagues was there, and began talking about the hotel rooms and how they were condusive to intimate relations.  However, he did not use the term ‘intimate relations’ – he used something much cruder.  I was embarrassed to have heard it; but I suppose I was not surprised.  Gone are the days when certain things were NEVER raised in ‘polite company’.  I suppose, perhaps, because gone is ‘polite company’.

And so my newest mantra is not just that television will waste your time – it is that television is destroying your mind, heart and soul.  The level of sin, filth and sexual innuendo that has grown in our culture can be laid directly at its feet – and we seem to not even notice.  We seem to think that this is how it has always been.  But it’s not.  People did not eat, breathe, and swallow sin when I was young.  It was unheard of, and would be crushed immediately if discovered.  People then had strong boundaries that kept those horrible things OUT THERE.  But we have actually now invited those horrible things IN HERE – into our living rooms – and they have slowly, but surely, taken over our minds.

These are not horrible people I am talking about.  They are us.  Teachers and pilots, wives and husbands, mothers and fathers, teenagers and children – all think that to think with a filthy mind is normal; to see sex in a garden hoe is normal; to waste and even destroy your life is…. normal.

I have no answers but one: Pray, pray, and pray again.  But first – turn off the television.

While reading of John the Baptist’s death today, I came across this quote by St. John Chrysostom:

“What evil could bring about this just man’s death?  What could cause his violent death?  […]  He did not suffer death, he won victory; it was not the end of his life, but the beginning of a better life.   Learn to live as a Christian: nothing will ever harm you and you will be given the great reward”  (St John Chrysostom, De Providentia, 22, 10)

“Learn to Live as a Christian.”  Have I been doing that?  In getting caught up in the world’s news, the world’s woes, the world’s steps and missteps – am I living as a Christian?

Christians are not of this world.  They belong to another.

I went to George Washington’s house yesterday.  They had an event and the house was open for visitors.  It was a rainy, damp night and the doors to the outside were wide open; people tramping through.  I looked up at the walls – original paintings that George had had on his walls were being exposed to all this moisture; this human parade going by.  I asked the guide about the paintings – all at least 200+ years old – all with no visible means of protection.  She wasn’t sure how well they would stand up, and we were both left shaking our heads.

And then I left the house and gave it not another thought.

Isn’t that what you do when the house, the belongings, the ‘stuff’ does not belong to you?  Isn’t that what you do when you are not at home?  You can be concerned, you can see if there is anything you can do – but you are not in control of ANY of the decisions about it.  And, conversely, you are not responsible for the end result of those decisions.  You are simply passing through; trying to help when you can; but remaining detached.

Jesus told Pilate, shortly before his death, that this was not his Kingdom.  If it was, He said, then countless angels would be fighting for  Him.  But as it was – He was not at home.

Shouldn’t I remember that – if I Live as a Christian – then neither am I?

The agitation had been growing for some time.  One after another report of yet another legal, and often governmental, attack against Christianity – and all in Western nations.  The very places that Christianity had built – all were turning on their mother.  And it was in the name of ‘freedom’ and ‘tolerance’.  Few seemed to realize it was ‘freedom’ to enslavement by sin, and ‘tolerance’ of evil.

And that’s what had my agitation growing.  How could I tell people?  There were SO MANY – what could be done to turn them around??!!!!  They grasped so tightly to their sin; it was the new normal for them.  My warnings were not heeded – indeed, they were spurned…  My agitation grew.

And then God sent me the dream.

In it, I was following a huge, towering man.  He appeared to be drunk and oblivious to his surroundings and situation.  Two men, evil men, were stalking him.  In my dream, I believed that they were waiting to get him alone so that they could sodomize him.  They appeared well dressed, alert, conniving, canny.

I tried to warn the man, but he was too drunk to listen – just fumbling, tottering around.  I tried to warn all those around, all those I passed as I followed the stumbling giant of a man – but no one would listen or pay attention.  The men stalking him eyed me warily.  They knew… that I knew.

I continued for a long time – following behind, trying to get help.  No one would listen, no one wanted me there.  Finally, I stopped following.  From a hilltop, I watched as the men coaxed the giant man into a house.  I was  helpless to stop it.

I turned away.  When I looked back, I saw the giant man.  He was back on the street, stumbling on the sidewalk.  His pants were down around his knees and the two men were gleefully raping him at will…

In my dream, I tried then to call for help, but the phone was old, ancient – it did not work.  I thought that if I could only get the police there to see it – the man would be saved. Yet even then, something told me that no one would care.  It was too late.  Even the drunk giant of a man had not come to his senses.  He kept crying out, “Get OFF of me!!!”, but offered no defense.  He never tried to fight back.  Still drunk, still stumbling – a wounded, confused bear of a man.  I grew concerned for my own safety – I left.  

And then I woke up.  The dream was so real, so awful, that it took me a few moments to get my bearings.  I then asked God – what in the world was THAT about??!!  The knowledge immediately came to me – it was America.

And at that moment I knew: the giant man was MY country.  No matter what I would, or could, do – no one will heed my warnings – they will not turn back…

Minutes later, while driving to Eucharistic Adoration for my 5:00 am slot, the words “Woe, Woe is Babylon”** came to my mind over and over again.  I could not get them to stop.

In Adoration, God spoke to me further.  He showed me that I am just one small child – and that I am trying to stop a giant that will not listen.  In frustration, I said to Him, “but it is my nation.”

He immediately; sadly and softly, said back, “and they are MY people.”

Tears came to my eyes as I realized the pain in the heart of God.  And I heard two words – “Free Will”.

I then realized that – not even GOD would make them turn back.  He so  honors our free will.  Why in the world, therefore, did I think that I could make them?  God already saved the world – but will not violate our own free will to MAKE us choose that salvation.  Perhaps it was time for me to give up my own agitation at being unable to do so.  Am I stronger, and wiser, than God?!!

With that, God showed me the image of the child on the beach.  We’ve all heard the story.  A child is on a beach covered with millions of starfish washed ashore.  As he walks down the beach, he keeps leaning over, picking one up and tossing it back into the sea.  An adult comes by and watches for a few minutes.  The adult then tells the child – “Why are you wasting your time?!  You can not possibly make a difference!!!”  The child wordlessly leans over, picks up another starfish and flings it back into the sea.  He then turns and says to the adult, “made a difference to THAT one…”

And so that is what I can do.  I can make a difference – one at a time.  i can make a difference to the ones God places in my path.  And I can give the rest – along with my agitation – to God.

**Revelation 18

1  After these things, I saw another angel coming down out of the sky, having great authority. The earth was illuminated with his glory.

2  He cried with a mighty voice, saying, “Fallen, fallen is Babylon the great, and she has become a habitation of demons, a prison of every unclean spirit, and a prison of every unclean and hateful bird!

3  For all the nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her sexual immorality, the kings of the earth committed sexual immorality with her, and the merchants of the earth grew rich from the abundance of her luxury.”

4  I heard another voice from heaven, saying, “Come out of her, my people, that you have no participation in her sins, and that you don’t receive of her plagues,

5  for her sins have reached to the sky, and God has remembered her iniquities.

6  Return to her just as she returned, and repay her double as she did, and according to her works. In the cup which she mixed, mix to her double.

7  However much she glorified herself, and grew wanton, so much give her of torment and mourning. For she says in her heart, ‘I sit a queen, and am no widow, and will in no way see mourning.’

8  Therefore in one day her plagues will come: death, mourning, and famine; and she will be utterly burned with fire; for the Lord God who has judged her is strong.

9  The kings of the earth, who committed sexual immorality and lived wantonly with her, will weep and wail over her, when they look at the smoke of her burning,

10  standing far away for the fear of her torment, saying, ‘Woe, woe, the great city, Babylon, the strong city! For your judgment has come in one hour.’

It happened again.   I called them and was engaged, once again, in a conversation concerning the latest ‘crisis’ to hit.  This one was just as ridiculous as the others.  And the adults involved seemed to have no comprehension of what to do about it.

I grew exasperated, as I tried to talk some sense into the situation, and finally blurted out that there was simply no ‘education’; and hence people were easily led astray there.

“Susan!” I was roundly chastised, “they both have college educations!”  And I realized that I could not really say what I meant.  What I meant was that there was no WISDOM there – since Wisdom comes from God.  And, of course, since they long ago decided that they could very well do without God – there was no God there.

And oh, how it shows.

As I reflected on this conversation, I realized even more how much we give up when we decide to walk without God.  When we say He doesn’t exist, or if He does – He is simply not allowed into our lives – then we may think we are doing ‘without religion’; but what we are really doing without is …. Life.

And Wisdom has no fellowship with corpses.

When I look at our culture, and all other lives lived without God, I see nothing but the walking dead.  I see adults who act as toddlers – thumbing their noses at the heavens and saying ‘leave us alone!’ as they go on to live lifeless, clueless, confusing (to them) and sad lives.  They stumble about in the dark, making terrible choices – which you do when you have no wisdom; growing tired and weak – which you do when you have no power; becoming angry and embittered – which you do when you have no Grace.

And yet, when you offer them God – who alone is Wisdom, Power and Grace – they walk away.

Which perhaps shows, ultimately, that corpses have no fellowship with Wisdom…

It was just a simple conversation.  I was, once again, remembering all the stupid things I have done.  It’s an activity that comes back to me every so often when I’m talking to God.  I was in Eucharistic Adoration, reading scripture, when I remembered all the times I have been so outspoken.  I suppose that’s not a problem, unless you can look back at a life and see outspokenness – with passion – from pretty much every single point of view.

When still a young hard core feminist (after 4 years of effective college brainwashing), I was totally outspoken about issues that today I find abhorrent at worst, and silly at best.  Now that I am older, with 25 years of regular scripture reading (and hence wisdom absorption), I look back on those years with regret and embarrassment.  And so I apologized.

Instantly, the Lord spoke back.  ”I made you that way.”

Oh, duh, guess I forgot who I was talking to…

Never one to be left speechless, I reasoned back, “Well, yeah, but unfortunately it has taken me 50 years to start using those gifts for the right purposes!”  God, I think, has even less propensity to speechlessness than I.  He simply, matter of factly, said – “I didn’t make you for 50 years.  I made you for eternity.”

And there it was.  This is the training ground.  We are still toddlers here.

Just as we don’t expect a 6 month old to crawl perfectly – so too God realizes it takes time to perfect our gifts.  THEN we can be of use to Him.  I am beginning to suspect, actually, that our real ‘use’ may not even be on this side of heaven…  This is the training ground.

Which leads me to my next hopeful thought.  God owns time – so He has plenty of it to wait with…  Which is good, because when you run a zig zag race like me – it takes a lot longer to get to the finish line.